Fleet streets reaction to today's popular songs
by Ellenore Carter
Summary: A few more recent songs, injected into the Victorian era, just to see what happens. Maybe it'll even be kindof entertaining.  *Sweeney Todd song fic/parody*
1. I like your hair

_Ok, I may be the only one but I think this song (I like your hair, Scotty Vanity(which i do not own)) goes perfectly with Sweeney Todd. Mostly because Sweeney and Lovett's hair styles are both so crazy. Anyway, this is how I believe our dearest Eleanor would respond if her beloved began singing this song to her._

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><p><strong>Bold:Sweeney <strong>Normal:Lovett

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><p><span>S<span>weeney walks down the stairs one morning, something is very different about him. Mrs. Lovett is in the kitchen, cooking.

**Hey there**

Oh, hello Mr. T

**I like your hair**

Do you really? What an unexpected compliment, im so flattered

**Who does your hair?**

Erm…usually I do…

**I wanna go there**

…Go where?

**Pshyeah**

Excuse me?

**I like your hair**

You've already said that, but, thank you

**Who does your hair?**

I do! Did you not hear a word I just said?

**I wanna go there**

Where?

**Hey bitches**

Did you just call me a dog? Did you get into my nightstand? I swear I wasn't going to smoke that...

**My scalp itches**

Maybe because you never wash it.

**I do my own damn hair**

And it shows…

**Pshyeah**

What?

**I need more gel**

Noooooo, No Sweeney. You absolutely do not need more gel!

**my hair looks like hell**

And that, Mr. Todd, is why I love you

**Fucking bitches**

Your doing WHAT with the dogs?

**Ohmygod!**

What about him?

**Blondes**

Yes, Lucy had Yellow hair, I get it

**Brunetts**

And my hair is not yellow…thank you Mr. T

**Redheads... more like dreadheads!**

You have no idea how hard it is to deal with such thick curly hair like mine, that doesn't give you reason to make fun!

**ohmygod**

Funny…you never struck me as a religious person Mr. Todd

**Hey there**

Yes, hello.

**I like your hair**

I think we've been over this already…

**Who does your hair?**

I DO! Why is this so hard for you to believe?

**I wanna go there**

**GO, WHERE?**

**Pshyeah**

What are you talking about?

**I like your hair**

Shut up Todd!

**Who does your hair?**

You're really getting on my nerves.

**I wanna go there**

To the sea? Oh yes Mr. Todd I'd love that.

**Lets get a dyke spike**

A what?

**Are those highlights?**

No, theres no such thing as highlights in Tim Burton Land

**Thats great color... Ooh**

Thanks…

**Let's totally get a perm!**

I got a perm once… regretted it ever since

**Pshyeah!**

No! Not 'pshyeah' that's not even a word!

**Time to retouch those roots**

How will feeling the bottom of a tree help anything?

**Bitches**

Again with your canine friends…

**Ohmygod!**

Yes God, please make it stop?

**Hey there**

Go away.

**I like your hair**

**Well, you can't have it.**

**Who does your hair?**

I hate you.

**I wanna go there.**

Hell? Please do!

**Pshyeah**

You're leaving as soon as I can pack your bags!

**I like your hair**

And I like yours, now if we can get past this?

**Who does your hair?**

I will kill you with you own razor.

**I wanna go there**

If it's not here, I would be fine with that

**Where's my flatiron?**

I don't know.

**Huh? Wheres my flatiron?**

Asking more than once isn't going to help you

**Huh? Wheres my flatiron?**

Are you deaf? I don't know!

**Huh?**

You'd better sleep with your eyes open tonight

**Your such a slut!**

excuse me?

**But I like your cut**

Oh, really?

**You're such a slut**

you still think I'm a slut?

**Definitely.**

Well, that kind of destroys the purpose of this entire exchange doesn't it?

**Hey there**

Please not this again!

**I like your hair**

NO! When will it stop?

**Who does your hair?**

I'll leave you alone forever if you stop this Mr. Todd!

**I wanna go there**

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

**Pshyeah**

I'm not listening!

**I like your hair**

BLALALABLAAAAAA!

**Who does your hair**

There's this little buzzing noise in my ear, what could it be?

**I wanna go there**

Oh! I know, it's the voice of an obnoxious barber who's gone completely insane!

**Oh my God!**

I can't believe your still doing this

**Oh my God!**

Just kill me

**Oh,**

Are you quite finished?

**My god!**

And the wining answer is NO! No he isn't!

**Just shave it off...**

I couldn't agree more.


	2. I kissed a girl

Ok, this one's a bit more explicit than the last one. "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry. This was a very fun one.

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><p>Sweeney is sitting at a table by the window looking out and suddenly Mrs. Lovett bursts through the door with lipstick smeared across her face.<p>

**This was never the way I planned,**

What wasn't?

**Not my intention.**

The fact that we're working together to kill half of the resident population of Fleet street? I agree, it's not really what I thought my life would be.

**I got so brave, drink in hand,**

Yes, you certainly over did it on the gin last night pet.

**Lost my discretion,**

What discretion? You practically jump me every time I enter the room!

**Its not what, I'm used to,**

What?

**Just wanna try you on.**

Uhm…No thank you…

**I'm curious for you**

That sounds awfully suggestive…

**Caught my attention!**

I realize I catch your attention Lovett, you've made that perfectly clear.

**I kissed a girl and I liked it,**

YOU WHAT?

**The taste of her cherry chap stick.**

I don't care what her chap stick tasted like Lovett, I need you to explain yourself!

**I kissed a girl just to try it**

Quite the way to handle a midlife crisis!

**Hope my boyfriend don't mind it**

I certainly DO mind it- erm, I'm sure Albert would mind if he were alive…

**It felt so wrong**

It should, this is Victorian London! Gayness is practically the same as witchcraft!

**It felt so right**

You are just crazy, madly in love with me then suddenly you go after a girl?

**Don't mean I'm in love tonight**

With me? Well I certainly had no way to know that…

**I kissed a girl and I liked it**

What? Was I not good enough for you?

**I liked it**

Thank you Lovett, I will never purposefully undress in front of your peephole ever again!

**No I don't even know your name**

Your really after my ego today aren't you?

**It doesn't matter**

Yes it does! Just because I don't have feelings doesn't mean I don't have feelings…wait…

**You're my experimental game**

Oh am I? Lets see what Mr. Razor has to say about that.

**Just human nature**

I disagree, the human has no nature, the only dictating element is fate.

**Its not what,**

What?

**Good girls do.**

Please don't flatter yourself Lovett…

**Not, how they should behave**

So why'd you do it?

**My head gets so confused**

You expect me to believe that rubbish?

**Hard to obey!**

Obey what? I obviously didn't set strict enough rules…

**I kissed a girl and I liked it**

Thank you for rubbing this in my face.

**The taste of her cherry chapstick**

It tasted like cherry's! I get it.

**I kissed a girl just to try it.**

I know I know, just 'experimental' that doesn't make this any less hurtful

**hope my boyfriend don't mind it**

Shut up.

**It felt so wrong**

Don't try and make me feel better, it wont work

**It felt so right**

Of course it did.

**I kissed a girl and I liked it**

I KNOW! Why must you pour salt in the wounds?

**I liked it**

I am going to throw you into an oven.

**Us girls we are so magical**

Trust me hun, your much less than magical

**Soft skin, red lips, so touchable**

My touching you wasn't enough?

**Too good to deny it!**

Who was that a compliment for?

**Ain't no big deal, it's innocent!**

Hardly.

**I kissed a girl and I liked it**

Congratulations

**The taste of her cherry chapstick**

I could get some cherry flavored chapstick...

**I kissed a girl just to try it**

Liar.

**Hope my boyfriend don't mind it**

He doesn't anymore

**It felt so wrong**

Good, I hope the following awkward silence was hell for you

**It felt so right**

To think I got all dolled up for you today

**Don't mean I'm in love tonight**

Good, neither am I

**I kissed a girl and I liked it**

Why don't we make it known to the world?

**I liked it**

This is quite the time to come out of the closet Lovett, I was gonna propose.


	3. Lazy song

_Ok everyone, this 'song' *shiver* is the very bane of my existence. Be happy I wrote this for you, even thinking about it makes me want to vomit bile, but...here it is (disclaimer: thank god i do not own the lazy song)_

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><p><strong>Today I don't feel like doin' anything (Toby)<strong>

Don't we all,(Mrs. Lovett)

**I just wanna lay in my bed**

I wanna lay in Mr. T's bed, but we all have unrealistic dreams

**Don't feel like pickin' up my phone**

…your what?

**So leave a message at the tone**

Tone of what? Your not making any sense dear…

**'Cus today I swear I'm not doin' anything**

Oh yes you are, your helping me with serving the pies today!

**I'm gonna kick up my feet and stare at the fan**

No Toby! I will not have two mopey men around this house all the time! Its hard enough with Mr. T

**Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants**

I will not tolerate this vulgar language Mr.!

**Nobody's gon' tell me I can't**

Would you like to bet on that?

**I'll be lying on the couch, just chillin' in my snuggie**

I don't appreciate your tone young man!

**Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie**

Uhm…no…

**'Cus in my castle Im the freaking man**

Actually, you're the 'freaking' servant and Mr. T is the man

**Oh oh**

And I am the clever Queen who will one day seduce said barber

**Yes I said it**

Said what?

**I said it**

I understand that, what exactly did you say?

**I said it 'cus I can!**

Watch it! One word from me and Mr. T will come after you!

**Today I don't feel like doin' anything**

You've already said that,

**I just wanna lay in my bed**

Careful, pretty soon your bed'll be reduced to a mat.

**Don't feel like pickin' up the phone**

Shut up with this modern talk!

**'Cus today I swear I'm not doing anything,**

That may well be what you think but-

**Nothin' at all**

Would you just listen to me?

**Tomorrow I'll do some P90X**

What are you talking about?

**Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex,**

Your only fourteen for god's sakes!

**And she's gonna scream out 'this is great'**

That's horrible. Are you trying to give your dear mother a heart attack?

**I might mess around, get my college degree,**

Silly boy, only rich people go to school. This is Victorian London, you'll be a waiter for the rest of your life

**I bet my old man would be so proud of me**

Who? Mr. Todd? I don't think so…

**But sorry paps you'll just have to wait,**

For what?

**Yes I said it**

I don't really care what you said…

**I said it**

Neither does Mr. T

**I said it 'cus I can**

Shut up you little bastard

**Today I don't feel like doing anything**

I realize this, but sometimes you just have to

**I just wanna lay in my bed**

I hope you'll be watching for Mr. T while you're taking your little nap

**Don't feel like pickin' up my phone**

He's gonna get you with his "friends"

**So leave a message at the tone**

I will not leave a message! I'm talking to you right now!

**'Cus today I swear I'm not doing anything**

I dare you to say that one more time.

**No I 'aint gonna comb my hair**

Yes you are! I have to impress that dreadful Mrs. Mooney today, she's coming over.

**'Cus I ain't goin' anywhere**

That's not the point!

**I'll just strut in my birthday suit**

Toby! That is not ok, child!

**And let everything hang loose**

…let what hang loose? I thought you were a strange looking girl…

**Today I don't feel like doin' anything**

I just insulted your masculinity, aren't you offended?

**I just wanna lay in my bed**

Great, I'll lock the door behind you

**Don't feel like pickin' up the phone!**

I don't think you'll have to worry about that while you die of starvation…

**So leave a message at the tone**

That last statement didn't get my message across?

**'Cus today I swear I'm not doin' anything**

If you want to live, I suggest you stop this ridiculous song

**Nothin' at all**

What did I do to deserve this?

**Nothin' at all**

You'll regret this!

**Nothin' at all**

I'm a crazy baker lady with a knife and a rolling pin and im not afraid to use them!


	4. Doin your mom' request eww

**So, by request, I am writing 'doin your mom' by Fatty Spins(what a tasteful name eh?). This song however does not reflect on any of my personal views, I accept all requests unless I'm too busy or they are more obscene than I can handle, I can handle some pretty obscene shit…anyway, 'doin your mom' from Sweeney to Toby**

Toby(sitting in the living room admiring a picture of Lovett when Sweeney walks in): Hi Mr. Todd! How may I help you?

**Doin your mom, doin doin your mom!**

Excuse me?

**Doin your mom, doin doin your mom**!

Well yes I heard you Mr. T but I am shocked that you'd bring such a thing up in front of me!

**Doin doin your mom, doin doin your mom!**

Where do you get the gall to mock me about this?

**You know we straight with doin your mom**!

You're an awful person!

**Doin your mom, doin doin your mom!**

Shut up Todd! I love Mrs. Lovett!

**Doin your mom, doin doin your mom!**

I will kill you, no, I'll kill Lucy!

**Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom!**

Did you not just hear that? God your deaf…

**You know we straight with doin your mom!**

We? Who is this we? Are you trying to tell me that Mrs. Lovett is a whore?

**I'm doin your mom, yes yours!**

Either way, she's not cheap…

**I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin out your drawers.**

The woman has good taste in clothing, what can I say?

**Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80's prom queen.**

Do. Not. Mock mum's hair!

**But her ass was looking good all up in those mom jeans.**

My mum doesn't wear jeans! She wears dresses that hug her body so perfectly…*drool*

**I approached her in the checkout line, and said 'yo baby wassup?'**

You sound better with a British accent Sweeney, don't give me this ghetto shit.

**She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs**.

I would be offended, but they are sort of 'out there' Mrs. Lovett's boobies are hard not to notice…

**Five minutes later she agreed to get with me,**

Technically Mr. Todd, it's been about fifteen years.

**So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity**

One: that's horrid and disgusting Two: what the hell is a minivan?

**I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart.**

Mario kart? What are you talking about?

**I gave her a lift back to her crib 'cause her car wouldn't start.**

Why couldn't she just walk? Isn't that what she usually does?

**She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.**

Again? How many times has this happened?

**How many times I tap that ass? Over 9000!**

You're gross.

**Yeah. She called me Pledge 'cause I knocked the dust off it.**

That's horrible. Why is it ok for you to say these things? I feel like Karma should be kicking your ass right now.

**She later made me a sandwich and cut the crust off it.**

No Mr. Todd, she made you a sandwich later, and cut the crust off of it.

**'Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young.**

Young? What are you fifty something? You haven't got many years left, have at it,

**To be in bed, butt- naked doin' your mom (ish, I feel like I just got aids…)**

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

Again with this? What is your problem?

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

Why do you hate me? I haven't done anything to you.

**doin your mom doin doin your mom**

I understand that, thank you

**you know we straight with doin your mom**

I know, why with the rubbing in the face?

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

And yes, I wish it was me. There everyone, I said it!

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

Still nothing? It's like talking to a cinder block

**doin your mom doin doin your mom**

A damn lucky cinder block

**You know we straight with doin your mom**

Yeah, I caught that.

**I like your mamas big butt, and I cannot lie**.

Her butt is not big!

**You other brothers can't deny that she's fly.**

What?

**We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that**.

Not every night! Really?

**She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I'm half black**.

Oh aren't you a clever bastard? Took me awhile to get that one…

**But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F**.

Haha, no. Besides, she's not any older than you

**she loves to toss the salad even though she aint a chef**

That's what makes this weird as fuck…

**And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol**

How much were you two drinking? Must've been a god awful amount…

**But If I were you, I wouldn't kiss your mom on the mouth at all.**

I don't like to think about what that suggests…

**She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez.**

Are those…sex positions? Eww you're gross…

**Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed.**

Oh god…

**She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I'll be honest**

My brain is going to shrivel and come out my nose any minute

**likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.**

Who?

**She's so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness**

That's why your so calm all the time, not.

**I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess**.

Dumb luck, that's all you've got on me.

**I didn't wanna tell you, but I had to write this song**

Oh ho, really? I really feel that empathy coming from you…

**Cause I'm in your house every night doin your mo-om**

You're stupid and ugly. Go die and rot in hell.

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

I know

**doin your mom doin doin your mom**

You've made your point

**doin your mom doin doin your mom**

I understand

**you know we straight with doin your mom**

Thank you

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

Yes, I realize that

**Doin your mom doin doin your mom**

I refuse to be affected, you're just an idiot with nothing interesting to say

**doin your mom doin doin your mom**

So you repeat the same tired old insult over and over, hoping I'll react every time.

**know we straight with doin your mom**

You lose, go cry to Lovett.

**I'm havin sex with your mother**

You're not funny.

**makes me beter than you.**

The holocaust is better entertainment than you.

**I'm havin sex with your mother**

No one's laughing, say it again, it's not funny

**makes me better than you**

No it doesn't, it makes you a pathetic mother f*cker…lliterally.


	5. Can you feel the love tonight' request

**Mmk, 'can you feel the love tonight' for guest commenter 'Kiara'. This one'll be a little tough considering the multiple voices… I'm thinking Beadle as Pumbaa and Turpin as Timon. Then we assume Johanna and Anthony are Nala and Simba? Ok with everyone? Good, I had a feeling you'd agree with me.**

Turpin: **I can see what's Happening.**

Beadle: _Hmm?_

Turpin: **And they don't have a clue!**

Beadle: _Who? _

Turpin: **They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two!**

Beadle: _oh._

Turpin: **Ze sweet caress of twilight,**

Beadle: Twilight? I thought we'd agreed to never ever speak that word since…Robert Pattinson and Kriston Stewart *shiver*

Turpin: **There's magic in the air!**

Beadle: Did you convince the maid to unlock the liquor cabinet for you again?

Turpin: **And with all this romantic atmosphere,**

Beadle: Now, Mr. Turpin, you raised Johanna well. She'll come back once she's married to that girly boy.

Turpin: **Disaster's in the air!**

Beadle: You're just being melodramatic. How many fourteen year old girls have you been trying to have sex with today?

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><p>Anthony: <strong>Can you feel the love tonight?<strong>

Johanna: It is rather romantic isn't it? You standing down below me and singing while you stare at my boobies.

Anthony: **The peace the evening brings,**

Johanna: Peaceful? Am I the only one who hears the dying screams coming from the barber shop down yonder?

Anthony: **The world for once, in perfect harmony!**

Johanna: But seriously, am I insane? People are getting murdered and no one cares.

Anthony: **With all it's living things.**

Johanna: Yeah, them, and the dead ones…

Anthony: **So many things to tell her,**

Johanna: Me? Just spit it out. You're gay aren't you?

Anthony: **But how to make her see?**

Johanna: It's not hard to visualize hun. Can you at least pretend to be straight for awhile so I can get out of here?

Anthony: **The truth about my past? Impossible,**

Johanna: You do realize you're talking out loud correct?

Anthony: **She'd turn away from me!**

Johanna: Honestly, you're the only one I've got. It's you or Turpin. Which make this whole thing quite darkly ironic.

Johanna: **He's holding back, he's hiding.**

Anthony: Am not! I heard what you said about me being gay though…ungrateful bitch.

Johanna: **But what? I can't decide.**

Anthony: I wasn't hiding anything. You however can stay up there and have thirty babies with Judge Turpin.

Johanna: **Why won't the be the king I know he is?**

Anthony: To late for flattery, I've finally seen past your shockingly low cut dress and into your thoughts.

Johanna: **The king I see inside!**

Anthony: Or did you want to take another shot below the belt and say 'queen'. That's right, we were all thinking it sweetheart.

Anthony: **Can you feel the love tonight?**

Johanna: What love? You like me for my chest and good singing voice and I like you for getting me a green card.

Anthony: **The peace the evening brings!**

Johanna: There are, like, hundreds of people being murdered every week! How does no one notice the disappearances?

Anthony: **The world, for once, in perfect harmony,**

Johanna: Not to mention the god awful smell of burning human flesh coming from Mrs. Lovett's

Anthony: **With all it's living things!**

Johanna: You know what, I bet they're making people into pies over there!

Anthony: **Can you feel the love tonight?**

Johanna: Anthony! We need to tell someone about the people pies! Stop screwing around!

Anthony: **You needn't look to far!**

Johanna: Call the police damn it!

Anthony: **Stealing through the night's uncertainties,**

Johanna: Why is everyone, but me and crazy hobo lady, so damn clueless?

Anthony: **Love is where they are.**

Johanna: You're a bozo! Open your eyes man!

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><p>Turpin: <strong>And if he*she* falls, in love tonight, it can be assumed.<strong>

Beadle: She is only sixteen, if we can all keep that in mind?

Turpin: **His*her* carefree days, with us are history!**

Beadle: Your relationship would've been pedophilia. Is that how you want to be remembered?

Turpin: **In short, our pal, is doomed.**

Beadle: You're all so pathetic, I think I'll go join the Harry Potter cast with Helena.


	6. Saturdays' request

**Saturdays by Holly Brook requested by guest commenter 'O.O'(you typed "holly black" but I couldn't find anything under that name, if this is the wrong song I'm sorry.) If this is the correct song, I thank you O.O for my new favorite song. It'll be tough to make fun of it, but judging by my cynical nature, I'm sure it's possible. From Turpin to Sweeney :} that is, assuming Sweeney doesn't want to kill him.**

**Saturday, what a day,**

No less hellish than all the others

**What a silly little day.**

What makes it so silly? I don't find it humorous in the slightest.

**Time to kill, take a pill,**

What type of pill? Mrs. Lovett gave me a pill once, I woke up in her room with no clothes on.

**As I sit and contemplate.**

I don't accept medication from her anymore.

**How I'd like to be around, all the people of the town,**

All the women of the town, I think you mean.

**With their fancy cars and things.**

Whatever Turpin, don't pretend like you care about anything but their boobies.

**But I've got time.**

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you went after me if I had them!

**Stop pushing all your tragedies away.**

I'm not pushing them away! I made up an entire song about them!

**Each moment has got a lesson for the day.**

A lesson? Really? I disagree.

**Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays.**

What's the lesson today? 'Just shoot yourself, it's not worth it'?

**Oh these Saturdays.**

Again, why Saturday? What about it?

**In the haste, in the grace, I've been up to my waist.**

Grace? You're a rapist, you realize this correct?

**It isn't real, what you feel when you find love in a chase.**

A chase? More like a masquerade party! Mrs. Lovett told me, after she tried to feed me poison and before she tried to rape me.

**I've been waiting for the day when someone takes me away and I never get replaced.**

I can take you away. Slice your throat open and watch you die, covered in your own S.T.D. positive blood.

**But I've got time.**

Not much, two and a half hours before everyone dies. Besides the three characters people want to die.

**Stop pushing all your tragedies away.**

I'm not! Killing people is strangely therapeutic. Not as much, though, as watching you eat your good friend the priest.

**Each moment has got a lesson for the day.**

I've got it! Don't tell Mrs. Lovett where you've hidden the booze…or when and where you're going to bed.

**Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays.**

I, personally, take the twilight books with me wherever I go. *giggle fit*, I can't say that without laughing.

**Oh these Saturdays.**

None of this song is even about Saturday! Just gonna throw that in there then?

**As I sink one more drink, I am running out of ink**

Ink for what? Drawing in your pervy books? I looked up what those words meant. It's a bunch of different languages for prostitute!

**Feeling void, paranoid about every little thing.**

Good, Ima kill you ninja barber style.

**And I wonder if I try to get up and say goodbye if I'll have the strength to leave.**

I would hope so, I don't want you staying here.

**Cuz I don't have much time anymore.**

Yeah, thanks to you, now we've only got two hours and fifteen minutes.


	7. Baby, Justin Beiber

**actually, it's funny how this one came about. You think it'd be the first song that would come to my head, but it wasn't. (I'm taking a break from requests, just so we all know that. Go ahead and request but I may not get to it for awhile, which makes me a hypocrite but does anyone think I care at this point? :P) So, I was listening to the radio, 94.5 if you care, and within half an hour 'Last Friday Night' came on, like, three times. So I was thinking "oh, I should do this song for that one thing I'm writing…ooh, but I already did some Katy Perry…But I haven't done Justin Beiber. Oh, I should do baby, that would really piss everyone off and get it stuck in their brains FOREVER!" haha, so yeah. Baby, Justin Beiber. From Lovett to Sweeney.**

**You know you love me,**

Do not, you're so blind Lovett…

**I know you care.**

I don't care about anything, especially not you!

**Just shout whenever,**

Shout what? I love you? Not gonna happen bitch.

**And I'll be there.**

In that case I'll use my whisper voice.

**You are my love,**

I know, I know. Even if we were both so wasted that we couldn't walk, you have no hope.

**You are my heart.**

Good, I'll kill you from the inside then…god that sounded dirty…

**And we will never, ever, ever be apart.**

Yes we will, even if I have to shove you into an oven myself.

**Are we an item?**

We? That word is not to be used in this household!

**Girl*boy* quit playin'**

Playing? What, is this a game for you?

**We're just friends?**

Less than friends.

**What are you saying?**

Why is it not obvious? I HATE you.

**Said 'there's another' and looked right in my eyes**

Yeah, Lucy. Duh, everyone knows this. Why don't you?

**My first love broke my heart for the first time,**

Albert? No, you didn't love him. We're still talking about me aren't we?

**And I was like 'baby baby baby oh!**

Calling me a baby isn't a brilliant tactic Lovett.

**Baby baby baby no!**

No what? No I shouldn't kill you?

**Baby baby baby oh,**

I'm going to anyway. Ha, how does that make you feel?

**Thought you'd always be mine, mine**

What? I was never yours…ok yes, a one night stand, but doesn't hardly count.

**Baby, baby, baby, oh**

Ok…it was a few nights…

**Baby, baby, baby, no!**

I couldn't help it, you're so hot…in a creepy Victorian Tim Burton kind of way.

**Baby, baby, baby, oh**

I know, I was still married to Lucy, but she's such a bore. You however, are quite exciting…

**I thought you'd always be mine, mine.**

Well you thought wrong sexy-idiot, I meant to say idiot.

**For you, I woulda done whatever**

What more than baking humans into pies were you planning on doing?

**And I just can't believe we're not together,**

I know, but Mrs. Lovett, it's complicated…

**And I wanna play it cool, but I'm losing you**

It's that boy, Tobias. Everything is his fault!

**I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring**

No, it'd be too suspicious. Those gossipy old women already suspect us of sleeping together, who knows what else they'll come up with.

**And I'm in pieces, baby fix me**

I can do that.

**And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream,**

It is rather dreamlike isn't it? Have you noticed how orange blood is?

**I'm goin' down, down, down, down**

Down where? To the bake house? But I so enjoy having you here with me…I mean go, bitch. God I hate you.

**And I just can't believe my first love won't be around,**

You're damn right I won't. Or Albert won't, whomever you're singing about…

**And I'm like baby baby baby oh**

Fucking creeper.

**Like baby baby baby no**

I hate you.

**Like baby baby baby oh**

I'm sorry love! I love you with my entire being!

**Thought you'd always be mine, mine.**

Augh! You're song is infecting my brain and forcing me to think of happy thoughts!

**baby baby baby oh**

I HATE happiness

**Like baby baby baby no**

And all who exhibit evidence of it's existence

**Like baby baby baby oh**

One day I will find a way to KILL all happiness

**Thought you'd always be mine, mine**

Well I won't

**When I was thirteen, I had my first love**

This is the Victorian era, it's acceptable to have three children by the time you're thirteen.

**There was nobody who compared to my baby**

Not even me? Ehrm…Albert

**And nobody came between us who could ever come above**

Mmhmm, none of your six simultaneous lovers came between you two?

**She*or he I guess, I don't really care relating back to 'I kissed a girl'* had me goin' crazy,**

She? Who are these women Lovett? Did this one have some kind of generic fruit flavored chap stick as well?

**Ooh I was start struck.**

So she was famous? I feel like it might have been Selena Gomez…

**She woke me up daily, don't need no star bucks.**

Was it Selena? Tell me woman!

**She made my heart pound.**

Oh did she now? Not that I give a shit…

**I skip a beat when I see her on the street and at school on the play ground.**

…you never went to school, you're a woman. Girls don't go to school. You need to stop with this liberal garbage Mrs. Lovett

**But I really wanna see her on a weekend**

Oh of course you do, why not just tear my poor black shriveled heart right out of my chest and take a bite of the thing?

**She know she got me dazing, cause she was so amazing**

In bed?

**And now my heart is breaking, but I just keep on saying,**

Did she leave you? Good, cheating on me-Albert with a woman, despicable

**Baby baby baby oh**

Really?

**Like baby baby baby no!**

I hate you with a fiery passion.

**Like baby baby baby oh**

Get it? "fiery" cause that's how you're gonna die bitch…

**I thought you'd always be mine, mine**

Well she isn't HA! Now you know how I feel.

**Baby baby baby oh**

You know what I hate?

**Baby baby baby no**

Bunny rabbits, and rainbows, and smiles, and unicorns

**Baby baby baby oh**

And YOU!

**Thought you'd always be mine, mine**

I hate you like fat people hate diet yogurt commercials!

**I'm all gone.**

What?

**Now I'm all gone,**

Well, yes, I heard you, I just don't understand. **Ow! I just accidentally pulled a bunch of my own hair out of my head…**

**Now I'm all gone**

Good, byebye

**Now I'm all gone, gone, gone, gone**

Speaking of Selena Gomez-

**I'm gone.**

**Isn't she with that Beiber kid now? Ooh, I'd love to give him a haircut. Too bad he can't grow a beard…**


	8. I'm sexy and I know it

Jesus Nellie is a whore in this thing that I have written...btw if you're going to comment please also let me know if this should be 'M' I don't think so but just in case. So yeah, Sexy and I know it from Johanna to Turpin. Johanna's shocking multiple admissions, yup *SPOILER* she's addicted to heroin and she's gay. Mrs. Lovett's been sleeping around quite a bit from Sweeney to Lucy to Johanna and probably other people soon to come. Turpin is pretty damn proud of his gold spandex and Johanna expresses her malevolence toward them. I found it rather amusing to be honest...but that's just me, a comic genius... :P

* * *

><p><strong>When I walk by, girls be looking like 'damn, he fly'<strong>

More like, oh my God hide your children…

**I pimp to the beat, walking down the street in my new lafreak, yeah**

Your what? When were you 'pimping to the beat' and why weren't you arrested?

**This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control**

Pants out of control? That's probably how I'd describe gold spandex on a man such as yourself…

**It's RedFoo with the big afro**

Whatever baldy, your hair is far to thin for an afro. Maybe you need some of Pirelli's grade A piss to rub all over you scalp?

**They like Bruce Lee rock at the club**

Who's this 'they'? like you have any friends…

**Girl look at that body**

I have been looking at it for fifteen years now

**Girl look at that body**

I have yet to find a single desirable feature on it

**Girl look at that body**

Other than your nasty bulge of a cock which is huge and yet immensely unattractive…

**I work out!**

Mmhmm, I find that hard to believe

**Girl look at that body**

I am looking at it bitch!

**Girl look at that body**

I see your grotesque wad of vital organs and crushed dreams, or so called 'body'

**Girl look at that body**

It's gross, you're gross, and I hate you.

**I work out!**

Daily nude yoga sessions don't count jackass. Jeez, warn a girl…

**When I walk in the spot, this is what I see,**

What do you see?

**Everybody stops and they be staring at me,**

I don't think they're staring at you for the same reason you think they're staring at you…

**I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it**

Oh we've all noticed. That old hag Lovett comes over here some mornings to bitch about your shimmery gold spandex…

**I'm sexy and I know it**

Oh please

**I'm sexy and I know it**

On the contrary Mr. Turpin…

**When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight 'em off**

The what?

**When I'm at the beach, I'm in a speedo trying to tan my cheeks**

Oh god… I just threw up inside my mouth a little

**This is how I roll, come on ladies it's time to go**

I'm not going anywhere with you, not with how that ended out last time…and I was only fifteen then, just think all the legal things you could do when we're far enough out of town…

**We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous**

Oh the "bar", like I haven't heard that before getting drugged and shoved into a trunk and waking up in Rhode Island without any clothes on…

**No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service**

Keep your shirt on, for the good of humanity please…

**Girl look at that body**

I don't want to!

**Girl look at that body**

NO!

**Girl look at that body**

Bloody hell I am looking at it asshole!

**I work out!**

No you don't.

**Girl look at that body**

every time I do it's harder to look away

**Girl look at that body**

It's like fucking heroine

**Girl look at that body**

What I wouldn't do for a hit of heroine right now…

**I work out!**

I bet you do…

**When I walk in the spot, this is what I see,**

Where is this that all these imaginary girls are staring at you?

**Everybody stop and they staring at me**

Do they? I'd like to go there…

**I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it**

No you're not, but I guess I don't care…I've decided awhile ago that I like girls anyway so, whatever.

**I'm sexy and I know it**

I didn't want to admit it, but that Nellie Lovett is just plain enticing…

**I'm sexy and I know it**

She does, however, have a strange facination with cherry chapstick…good thing I had some when she was over last night…

**Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah**

***Wiggles***

OH GOD! STOP! Please stop!

**Do the wiggle yeah,**

No!

**I'm sexy and I know it!**

LIES!

**Girl look at that body**

I see it, it's disgusting.

**Girl look at that body**

Like staring into the sun

**Girl look at that body**

Or stabbing one's eyes with shards of glass

**I work out!**

Or eating pies made of human

**Girl look at that body**

Or Anthony

**Girl look at that body**

Or beadle's teeth

**Girl look at that body**

Or Bellatrix lestrange's teeth for that matter…

**I work out!**

Or sex with a man…


End file.
